Divorce is a killer. When a couple who have children part acrimoniously and one parent is wholly controlling and
However, my two youngest children are my biological offspring, not that I would ever treat any of them any differently, blood or not.
I also have an
A common tactic that is becoming a regular positioning piece in divorces where one party behaves in a manner that is not in the interests of the children, to punish the party serving the divorce, or to assert control. It’s narcissistic, it’s not moral or ethical and in my case has been accompanied by behaviour to isolate me and to try to cause as much pain as possible. What is forgotten is the impact on two small children. Playing the system, making entirely false malicious accusations to further her claim.
Fortunately, in my
Co-parenting is impossible when one parent refuses entirely to engage, but portrays to agencies and a school that she is the one in the right. Our children have two parents who love and care for them. Our children have two homes. Our children have two parents who brought them into the world out of love and dedication. One of those parents had an affair and is focused on the new partner and puts the needs of the children a distant second. The other, sat in this cottage he built for the children is ostracised and prevented from meaningful access, other that that access given by a court that is mindful of the needs of the children.
Fathers for Justice, Families Need Fathers and the small growing number of Direct Access Barristers afford a way forward. The agencies, struggling under the weight of applications, see families in trauma on a regular basis and provide a worthy and capable system to provide balance. The agencies are not joined up, nor do they often communicate effectively, or act in a way that is in the best interests of the children. They try their best,
Direct Access is a concept championed by a small growing number of barristers that allows anyone to contract a barrister without the need of a solicitor. I didn’t understand it, in fact I’d never heard of it. It seems to be the best kept secret, but it is also a hugely intelligent methodology of getting primary care in the court system from talented and caring barristers who devote themselves to Family Law.
Remember the breakup of a marriage or relationship where small children are involved is first and foremost one of severe emotional trauma and confusion. We have
In my case that hasn’t been possible because of my ex using them as a pawn since the day we split. Two days after we split she prevented them having Fathers Day with me as she had gone
Children affected by divorce and separation go through trauma. When one parent behaves in a manner that is controlling and entirely without common sense or rationale to prevent the
I worked from home for nearly two decades. I brought our children up 24/7 365 and was in their lives on a daily basis. Since I filed divorce my wife has withheld the children for 227 days. I have had my children in my care overnight in those 227 days for 12 nights. In anyones book thats alienation.
Gaslighting, preventing phone access, preventing emails, not reading or passing on letters from their father, this has become common practice in our new family order. Fishing for information from the children on a regular basis putting them in an incredibly difficult position. One they should never be placed in. Co-parenting in a high conflict environment is tough. Don’t ever give up, even when you feel it’s too much, the fight can’t go on forever and you just have to be prepared to find things to do in your spare time that prevent you reacting to your ex-partner. That purely feeds what they want, a reaction that they can then position to use against you. In nine months I have not once reacted.
When your ex is hugely manipulative and controlling, and determined to cut you out the lives of children whose world you were in seven days a week prior to her affair that is incredibly hard. Remember some people will always punish you for their behaviour. The
It’s unacceptable, but as a seperated dad you have little to no voice and the onus of the agencies seems to always lie with the resident parent. A resident parent who has become that by force majeure, by malice, without a thought for the needs of the children impacted by her infidelity and her new relationship which the children struggle to understand.
One day I hope she will be a capable mother who understands the need for co-parenting. Who understands the children have a right to be in balanced care. Who have two parents who love
As a journalist I sit here writing copy and have talked to The Guardian and The Telegraph about writing up my experiences and making them public, however
Especially difficult when she acknowledges that I am a good dad and they love being in my care. In my
Children should not be a pawn in a divorce. If you are affected by a similar situation and are not getting the support you need then reach out to me and I will try my best to help you and offer you constructive guidance.
There are resources out there like CAFCASS who are fantastic. Their High Conflict Parenting Guides and SPIP programmes are designed to give you a a foothold on the way. I also have read numerous books on separated parenting and listened to self help books, sought counselling and spoken to friends in an identical position. There is support, it’s thin on the ground, but don’t give up hope.
You are not alone. You might think you are, but we are thousands in number in a process
Don’t give up. You have me in your corner and I will always be there for you. Please contact me day or night if you feel the fight is too much. When I needed help there was nobody there for me. I will not let you be in that position.
Here are some useful links for you to read if you are struggling: