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This Too Shall Pass

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“The saddest thing in life is saying a personal quiet goodbye to someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Don’t finish the story, you don’t own the ability to finish the last chapter, but you can turn the page and start writing a new one.”. Gospel according to Dick, February 28th 2019

I woke up this morning with a realisation that life had to go on. That the woman that I filed divorce papers on at haste in the summer has moved on with her life and immediately replaced me, before our relationship had finished, with another woman. A married woman no less. When your wife has been having sex with someone else and has replaced you in the marital bed immediately, the damage it does to your confidence is enormous. The hurt is incredibly hard to describe or to find coping methodologies to secure a recovery from.

I have a new life ahead of me and I have no idea what that looks like and staying single and taking baby steps is order of the day for the forseeable future. Am I sad ? Hugely. Am I realistic ? Hugely. Do I have regrets, massively. Our wedding day in 2012 after having been together three years was the most important day of our lives outside of our children’s births. I was the proudest man in the world and I took my vows and my responsibility to love and care for Chloe so deeply so yes, I hurt. A lot. I am angry inside that my family I worked so hard to provide and save for was torn apart and that not once have we talked about anything. At all. She moved on 13 seconds later as if I meant nothing. She might not think I deserve anything but I would never have dreamt of treating her like that.

Feeling lost ? Sure but I am convinced I can draw myself a map and claw my way back up and I am surrounded by amazing people who do care about me. I have built an amazing home and nest for my kids, have a utopia here that is entirely centred on their needs and their hobbies and provides them the safety and the love that they deserve, whilst giving me somewhere to work and to kick on from. Thirty acres of secure private heaven with a garden the size of six Olympic swimming pools, dens and safe exploring space. If it wasn’t for the tranquility afforded to me by isolation that she enforced on me I would not have got to this point of realisation.

I married for life, made a family, have amazing children and a huge amount of love and pride for the woman that I made those children with. Life is difficult, life is unpredictable and different people have different values.

One day I hope she realises I am not the enemy and that her infidelity hurt massively as did the lies and deceit. When she had affairs before when we first met it floored me. This time it destroyed my confidence, my ability to see straight when all I wanted to ever to do was sit down with her talk and say goodbye. I never got that chance, I was just disposed of, replaced in a heartbeat.

Infatuation with a new partner when you’re already married to your husband sucks. It wasn’t at all right. I would never ever have done it to her, but then life isn’t black and white. I hope one day she realises how much I cared and how much I was her biggest fan and HB.

What matters now is two amazing little boys and the future. What that looks like I don’t know, but it is entirely centred around them. Don’t anyone kick me for being a proud dad, and holding that person who hurt me and still continues to enjoy doing so very close to my heart. Anger, grief, despair, happiness and optimism are all natural bedfellows of one half of a divorcing couple.

Where the other party has an affair they are insulated from those feelings, one day she will sit up and realise just how much she mattered. She was my everything.

For now I start over, I rebuild – not sure how – not sure how long that process takes. Not sure what that looks like but it’s a positive that I am determined to be a better man, to be the man I used to be, the man she was proud of. Divorce sucks – so so much. It’s like a bereavement but a thousand times worse when you aren’t ready to say goodbye to your better half, your best friend and in my case podcast co-host.

Life does indeed go on. This too shall pass. No timescales, no goals just small baby steps. One at a time, and when I trip up I’ll do my level best to learn where I went wrong.

I am so lucky to have had what I had for as long as I had. I wanted more.

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Author:Dick

Technologist, Journalist, Single Dad, Bass Player, Drummer, Chloe Grist's ex

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